


making it up as we go

by valarus (aerinmelkor)



Series: harry potter one & dones [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anxiety, Anxious Harry, Anxious Harry Potter, Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Difficult Decisions, Dumbledore's Army, F/M, Harry Potter Needs a Hug, Hugs, Insecure Harry, Insecure Harry Potter, Male-Female Friendship, Not Beta Read, Sad with a Happy Ending, Supportive reader, Worried Harry Potter, being there for him, elements of anxiety, imposter syndrome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 06:07:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30135141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aerinmelkor/pseuds/valarus
Summary: [this was directly inspired by mike shinoda's making it up as i go]"So I was thinking, Harry," Hermione was saying to him. "Perhaps you should teach them defense against the dark arts."Harry froze at the words, his eyes widening in silent horror. He felt absolutely and utterly sick to his stomach just thinking of possibly teaching others anything. What did he have to offer? He knew even less about magic than Hermione did - a point that she constantly proved, though unintentional. He wanted to curl up in a ball right then and there.
Relationships: Harry Potter & Reader
Series: harry potter one & dones [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2214564
Kudos: 1





	making it up as we go

**Author's Note:**

> gentle suggestion, listen to "make it up as i go" while reading since that's what inspired this short. :3
> 
> originally i was gonna make reader his gf, but decided that it would be a more poignant scene if they were friends.

"I didn't have the patience left to explain; Didn't wanna wait while nobody came." - Mike Shinoda (Make It Up As I Go)

* * *

An hour ago...

_"_ _So I was thinking, Harry," Hermione was saying to him. "Perhaps **you** should teach them defense against the dark arts."_

_Harry froze at the words, his eyes widening in silent horror. He felt absolutely and utterly sick to his stomach just thinking of possibly teaching others anything. What did he have to offer? He knew even less about magic than Hermione did - a point that she constantly proved, though unintentional. He wanted to curl up in a ball right then and there._

_He felt a warm hand on his shoulder. Harry's head swiveled to see Y/N, resting her hand on his shoulder. She gave him that look that said she'd support him no matter what he said. He gulped._

_Harry tried to make out the words, to say something. Anything. But the words caught in his throat and jumbled together so nothing came out._

_Y/N stepped in and said, "I think he needs to sleep on it, yeah?"_

_Harry nodded, agreeing with what Y/N said about sleeping on it. "I'd appreciate that."_

_Hermione smiled at Harry and nodded at him, though he got the feeling she was not satisfied with his response. He was pretty certain that she wanted him to accept the job, though he didn't like the idea of it. The sheer amount of responsibility already heaped on him as the Boy Who Lived and as Gryffindor's Seeker was already overwhelming. To have to handle teaching others just felt like way too much. Could he handle it? Why him?_

_Harry knew that he should teach the course since he did learn quite a bit from Professor Lupin. But at the same time, he honestly did not want to teach. He was sick of the attention he garnered. The pedestal that he alone sat upon as the Boy Who Lived. It made him sick to his stomach thinking about all the expectations that they would have of him. What would they say when they realized that the Harry who was before them wasn't the one they idolized? Would they hate him for it? What if he failed? What would they say? Was he a fraud?_

_He felt like he was drowning. Would he be able to meet their expectations?_

_As he drowned in his thoughts, Hermione left the room with Ron in tow. "I'll do some more research into defense against the dark arts, just in case he doesn't want to," Hermione said to Ron and Y/N as she headed for the library._

_Y/N smiled wryly at Hermione. It was her opinion that Hermione would have been a better instructor than Harry since she read so much more about the subject. However, she could not deny the reasoning that Hermione gave for having Harry teach DADA. He had more credibility since he was tutored by Professor Lupin in their third year and had more near death encounters than anyone else. Not only that, Harry's reputation as the Boy Who Lived worked to his favor. But pushing such a responsibility on him was unfair._

_She wasn't sure how much Hermione had considered Harry's feelings on the matter, or if it had been a deduction done based on what was best for everyone. It didn't really matter anymore since the glove had been thrown. Harry would probably take the responsibility, grudgingly. He was like that, Y/N decided. Very much the kind of person who wanted to please others. But she thought she'd stick around for a bit to keep him company._

* * *

Once Ron and Hermione left, Harry let out a shaky breath he didn't realize he was holding. The soft rustle of robes made him realize he wasn't alone. "Y/N? Why are you still here?"

"Thought you might need someone to confide in or talk to after she dropped the bombshell," Y/N replied, leaning against a wall.

"Did you know about it?" Harry asked, already scanning her face and body language to get a hint of whether she knew or not. She gives him mixed signals based on her body language and the uncomfortable shifts of weight.

"Hermione never told me, but I got the feeling she'd ask." Y/N finally told him after a long and weighty silence. She pursed her lips and gnawed on the side of her cheek. Now the atmosphere was awkward thanks to the question and her answer.

"I don't want to do it." 

"I know. There's a 'but' coming soon, isn't there?"

"Yes."

Y/N sighed wondering why Harry refused to act selfishly and do things that he wanted. He always did this. He never really put himself first when it came to making decisions. Part of it was probably because he accepted responsibility as the "Chosen One." And part of it was probably because Harry grew up putting others first.

Honestly, it bothered Y/N how quickly and easily Harry cast aside his feelings for the sake of others. As his closest friend, she hated the way he always self-sabotaged for the sake of others. Like that time he dragged Ron and herself to confront a troll in the girls' bathroom. Harry didn't go to be a hero, he went out of responsibility as the Boy Who Lived. He always played his part, even when he didn't want to. Even as he mentally dragged his feet at the thought of doing it. Y/N wished he'd stand up for himself sometimes and speak his mind. It was so clear to her that he was drowning, but she didn't know how to save him.

"Why?" Y/N suddenly said to him. "Why do you always put others before yourself?"

Harry smiled wryly at her; they both knew the answer to her rhetorical question. He didn't say it, but he was terrified of being cast aside when he was no longer useful to the wizarding world. He was terrified that once he was no longer special, they'd discard him and he'd be all alone again. Y/N said nothing, so they stood in silence. She knew that she was in many ways, the one who had to fight for his interests. As Harry's good friend, she always considered his interests and often acted as his manager or agent, declining things for him. If she never took the role, she got the feeling Harry would have experienced more breakdowns with shorter breaks.

Finally, Harry said something, "I'm terrified that I'll mess up. I don't know why Hermione asked me, of all people. I'm not qualified to teach this kind of thing at all."

What Harry didn't say was, _what if I mess up and they don't want me anymore?_

Y/N stepped away from the wall and pulled him into a warm hug. She rubbed his back soothingly as he stood trembling in her arms. When she started to hear his sobs, she pretended that she didn't hear them. She knew that Harry needed to cry and got too embarrassed if she showed that she noticed. Y/N slipped a hand through his unruly hair and gently played with it. She stared at the wall across the room as she soothed Harry and let him have a safe space to be vulnerable.

Two weeks passed before Harry gave Hermione the answer he would eventually give her. He had held out admirably for two weeks before the feeling of responsibility struck him hard. Y/N had held him the night before he told Hermione, comforting him after a particularly vivid nightmare blaming him for not teaching them.

"I'll do it."

Y/N's smile didn't reach her eyes that day as she watched Hermione excitedly dash off to get things arranged. She put her hand on Harry's shoulder as he quietly let out a sigh and leaned on her. He'd need her to stand by him and she'd be right there for him. As he leaned on Y/N, something inside Harry told him that they'd figure it out as they went. They'd make it up as they go. Y/N and Harry facing the world, **together**. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!


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